LIVESTRONG

The Epiphany School celebrated LIVESTRONG day two weeks ago. We had a dress down day where students could wear yellow, sold LIVESTRONG bracelets, and had a LIVESTRONG theme for our morning assembly and afternoon Eucharist. Additionally, we had an essay contest where students wrote about what living strong means to them, people they know who live strong, and how they personally live strong. To kick off the essay contest, I read my own thoughts on living strong. Some people mentioned they wanted to read my essay, so I have included it below.


I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe that there is a script filled with good and bad times that every person on Earth must live out, finally reaching clarity at the end of their life, understanding that everything that happened along the way was for the best. I believe that life is about choices and, every time you are faced with a situation, good or bad, you are also faced with a choice about how to deal with it. The decisions we make during these times form who we are and allow us to make statements about who we want to be in the future.

At the end of my senior year of college, I found out that I had testicular cancer. It was the largest obstacle I had ever faced by far and I had important decisions to make regarding how I would face the situation, both medically and emotionally. After a discussion with my doctor, the course of action was clear and, two days after receiving my diagnosis, I had surgery to remove the tumor. In my post-operation tests, there were no signs that the cancer had spread anywhere else in my body and I was excited to move on with my life.

The fall after graduating college was an exciting time. Between starting a new job, moving to a new city, meeting new people, and being able to run again, I was finally getting my life back on track. Also, I had just gotten a set of tests back in August that showed I was still cancer-free. Unfortunately, a later set of tests done in November revealed that my cancer had spread to one of the lymph nodes in my abdomen.

This was the news that really punched me in the gut. It was like a horror movie when you think the good guys won and the villain is finally dead, only to find that he is back and as dangerous as ever. I went through six weeks of radiation treatment to destroy the new tumor in my lymph node. My schedule was rough during this time, getting up early for treatment before school, but I was fortunate that my only side effect from the radiation was fatigue. By early January, I was done with treatment but the thought of once again getting things in line after being derailed by cancer was difficult to face.

It is a strange phenomenon but, after fully recovering from surgery and after finishing my treatment, there was a void in my life. I function best when I have goals to work towards. While neither of them materialized by my choice, recovering from surgery and making it through my radiation treatment gave me goals to accomplish. Once they were met, I lost some of my sense of purpose. After recovering from surgery, my goal was to get back into the running shape I was in before my diagnosis. The thought of having to go through that process again after radiation was too much for me to stomach. Eventually, the kick in the rear I needed came courtesy of the Lance Armstrong Foundation. On a whim, I applied to run the New York City Marathon as a way to raise funds for them. Finding out that I had been accepted gave me a new purpose and a new cause. I now run not only for my personal enjoyment but also to comment in some small way about what cancer survivors can do.

It is estimated that just over 8,000 men are diagnosed with testicular cancer every year. If I was going to beat the odds, I should have just won the lottery. Sometimes, people ask me if I was angry about getting cancer or felt it was unfair. What had I done to deserve this? Well, nothing. But what had I done to deserve 21 years of near perfect health before getting the disease? What had I done to deserve always being well fed and provided for? Nothing at all. In my opinion, questioning about the fairness of your situation only leads to viewing yourself as a victim. I had cancer whether it was fair or not and I was determined to be a cancer survivor, not a cancer victim. Cancer was not going to feel sorry for me, so I could not feel sorry for myself. I was going to beat it and move on with my life.

I would be lying if I told you that I never felt bad for myself or felt angry about the unfairness of my situation during either time I had to face cancer. It is impossible to avoid these feelings when you face disappointment. What determines your success is whether or not you embrace these emotions or simply experience them and then decide you are moving on and not going back to that place of self-pity.

I can clearly remember after graduating being at a track meet that I had dreamed of running in since I first arrived on campus. I watched the race I had hoped to run, wishing the entire time I was out on the track. When it ended, I went for a walk by myself and bawled my eyes out for probably half an hour. That was supposed to my race. I was supposed to be in there and all of the work I put in over the previous four years was supposed to pay off. Instead, I watched the race from the stands because of something entirely out of my hands. It felt horrible. I was sick to my stomach. It was completely unfair.

The next day, I ran for the first time after my operation and resolved to get back to the level I was at before my surgery. My name is Brennan Bonner, I am a one and a half year cancer survivor, and I LIVESTRONG.